so for some unknown bloody reason my ex wants to hang out with me. rather, he is making me take him bowling in exchange for his services (he fixed my laptop on Monday). at first I was weirdly excited and wanted to hang out with him. now i'm wary and nervous as hell....and afraid of my feelings getting hurt. i'm always afraid of getting hurt.

in body image news...

i feel like a fucking cow. no....a blue whale. I HAVE GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS I SERIOUSLY JUST WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM!!!!! I'm so insanely frustrated. Nothing fits me anymore. I look and feel disgusting. this IS THE LARGEST i've EVER been. I know it. I can feel it. My mom always says not to base it off the number on the scale, but how your clothes fit. MY CLOTHES DON'T FUCKING FIT. I can only wear 2 pairs of my pants now, the stretchy ones...and even THEY are tight!!! My pants that used to hang off my butt and require a belt to stay on, ARE INCREDIBLY TIGHT NOW. I hate myself so much. I can't stand this. No one knows how much this bothers me and how pathetic and useless I feel. I just don't understand how this happened. It's like overnight someone injected every inch of my body with 2 lbs of fat. I AM A FAILURE.

I'm so fucking miserable.

No wonder I'm single.

goddammit i am fucking pathetic.

from this morning.
im not restricting....just still not eating meat.

So I bought a new cookbook called "College Vegetarian Cooking," the recipes are extremely easy and pretty cheap to make, and delicious!
So far today I've only eaten things I've cooked myself (which I think is pretty cool, I don't like the flavor of overly-processed foods)

Breakfast: Spanish Tortilla 1/2 (Potatoes and Egg)
Lunch: Penne with Pan-roasted tomatoes and white beans, Spinach salad with beets

For dinner I'm going to make a Sweet Potato Tart and some Zucchini fries


I've been cooking a lot more often these days, and I really love it...I forgot how much I enjoyed it. It helps with my depression...since I am creating something for me and my boyfriend to enjoy, it's very rewarding, and I'm not sitting around moping about not having "anything to do" :D